The lustrous Samuel of Filthy Easy Vocab creates his guest post today and it's a real treat.

Hi, I am Samuel Clemenstein, the writer of Filthy Easy Vocab: a humorous substack that teaches you new vocabulary words daily with hilarious example sentences and stories. If you’re tired of receiving the same old, boring “word of the day” email from dictionary.com, sign up for Filthy Easy Vocab instead. Oftentimes satirical, other times just downright absurd, the words will always be put to use in a variety of comical contexts intended to get the definition to really stick in your brain. Whether you want to improve your vocabulary, or just have a laugh, it’s not for me to judge. I appreciate the support either way. 

P.S. It is up to you to use these words at your own discretion. I am not liable for any damage caused to your reputation through use of these words in public settings. Yes, I am well aware that you may sound like a tool if you toss these words around too liberally. But, let’s face it, you were always a bit of a tool anyways. That’s right, I saw you with that popped collar on that dri-fit Nike golf polo. Oh, really? You say that you’re not like the other guys? Then why did I just stand here listening to you rant about the difference between mosaic and citra hops for the last 15 minutes, huh?

SpongeBob SquarePants

The History

You may be quite surprised to hear this, but SpongeBob SquarePants- the show we all know and love- actually started out as an animated British black humor sitcom known as SpongeRichard RhombusBottoms in the mid 90’s. No, just kidding. That would be ridiculous. And, as we are all well aware, there is nothing ridiculous about Spongebob. The show got its start in the late 1990’s, when the show’s creator- Stephen Hillenburg- sent in a short pilot to Nickelodeon. The network enjoyed this first salty taste of sponge, but they weren’t eager to pick up the show, as they thought children wouldn’t be able to relate to the character of SpongeBob SquarePants being a fully-grown adult. Hillenburg was willing to compromise by making SpongeBob’s character a mentally impaired adult whose cognitive development had stagnated at around a 12-year-old’s level. I’m kidding! (Kind of). In order to get Nickelodeon to agree to acquire the rights to the show, Hillenburg had to enroll SpongeBob in some type of school, and so he chose boating school. Now, according to the executives at Nickelodeon, children would be better able to resonate with SpongeBob. Because if there’s one thing we all know about children from the ages of 7-12, it’s that all of them are either attempting to get, or have already received, some sort of boating or driver’s license. Deciding to look past this fatal flaw in logic, Nickelodeon began airing Hillenburg’s show in 1999, and they haven’t looked back since. 

SpongeBob is now in its fourteenth season, and it is still as popular as ever. Throughout the show’s life course there have been many spin-off movies, spin-off series, water and theme parks dedicated to the show, and countless steamy fan fiction novellas posted on various SpongeBob subreddits. Of these, the only thing worth your time is the original The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004), featuring two of the most iconic animated film scenes in recent memory: The emotional torment of the drying out scene (link to this

and far and away the best animated guitar solo of all time at the end of Goofy Goober Rock. (

Recently, thanks to advances in AI music, we now have AI-generated trap songs featuring different SpongeBob characters. Who was asking for this, exactly? I’m not sure. But, do they bump? Yes, they bump harder than I care to admit.

The Characters

SpongeBob SquarePants- The titular character, the annoying, absorbent little goofball with an uncanny presentation of ADHD and a penchant for limb re-growth, SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob is a fry cook at local dive bar/burger joint The Krusty Krab. Which is surprising, since most disability employment programs usually relegate these types of people to jobs like cashier, and cleaning person. They usually can’t be trusted to man a grill safely. But boy, does SpongeBob man that grill well. So well, in fact, that the Krabby Patty is the premier burger in Bikini Bottom. Of course, we can’t give all the credit to SpongeBob, as the Krabby Patty formula is so sought after that it is literally the driving force behind the majority of the conflict in the show. 

SpongeBob lives in a pineapple under the sea (evidenced by the first lyric of the show’s title sequence) with his pet snail, Garry. SpongeBob’s room contains a giant alarm clock in the style of a cruise ship’s foghorn. This is important because it gives us insight into another habit of his that elucidates his obvious mental shortcomings: His unrealistic, unwavering positivity upon waking up on workday mornings. SpongeBob loves to jump out of bed and diddly-bop and doodle-doo his way on over to work at his menial restaurant service industry job where he must make only minimum wage, if we know anything about his cheapskate boss Mr. Krabs (more on him later).

Outside of work, SpongeBob enjoys spending time with his best pal Patrick Star, and the two can be found frolicking around in the jellyfish fields, annoying their neighbor Squidward Tentacles, and just generally engaging in hijinks around the town. SpongeBob also frequently attempts to pass boating school, but he can never quite stimulate his limited number of brain cells in unison in order to make this happen.

SpongeBob’s reputation is that of a sissy little beta boy, as he is a regular customer at Super Weenie Hut Jr’s, a place for mama’s boys and bubble blowers alike. The restaurant is even more geared towards losers than the regular Weenie Hut Jr’s, but at least it has Monster Weenie Monday, which sounds like a homoerotic sponge’s wet dream, or at the very least a nice opportunity to munch on a bratwurst.

Patrick Star- Patrick Star is SpongeBob SquarePants’ overweight best friend. An obese starfish with a severe screen addiction, Patrick can be found sleeping under his rock next to SpongeBob’s house, watching TV on his couch made out of sand, or stuffing his face with donuts and Krabby Patties. Patrick is certainly the village idiot, and if he can be likened to a real-life persona, it would certainly be that of a sluggish stoner. I’m not outright saying that “kelp”, as it appears on the show, is meant to be some sort of underwater form of marijuana, but you can look at this box and tell me what you think:   

That little green guy is faded as a pair of acid-wash jeans that’s been spinning in a clothes dryer in perpetuity.

Squidward Tentacles- Despite what is suggested by his name, Squidward is actually a Giant Pacific Octopus. Squidward is SpongeBob and Patrick’s grumpy, sassy neighbor, and also SpongeBob’s coworker at The Krusty Krab. Squidward enjoys playing the clarinet poorly, painting crappy self-portraits, and living in the shadow of his arch-nemesis Squilliam Fancyson. Squidward is the unfortunate victim of SpongeBob and Patrick’s tomfoolery. He can never quite escape the blast radius of their annoying pranks and shenanigans. Squidward is quite a sourpuss, and seems to just have a general distaste for life itself. I probably would too if the only other houses in my neighborhood were inhabited by people I vehemently despised. Squidward claims to be intelligent, but he is a middle-aged octopus with a job as a fast-food cashier. Seeing as octopi are some of the most intelligent life forms on earth, this is quite a pathetic existence. 

Some notable Squidward moments are when he eats a million Krabby Patties and they go straight to his thighs:

And when he became handsome Squidward for a brief, fleeting moment, before falling on his face and reverting back into his more homely original form.

Mr. Krabs- His full name is Eugune Krabs, but he is commonly referred to as Mr. Krabs in the show. Mr. Krabs is the penny-pinching owner of the Krusty Krab. He is known primarily for his two fixations: making and saving as much money as possible, and protecting the Krabby Patty secret formula from Plankton. He has a daughter who is a massive whale. Shouldn’t I be using a euphemism here to be more kind? No, she literally is a whale. That must mean that Mr. Krabs is into some rather large women. I never really pegged him as a BBW guy, but, then again, I never really pegged him as a pegging guy either. And after getting a good look at the shape of his feet, I think it’s fair to say that he was probably using those bad boys for some rather unsavory bedroom activities. 

Plankton- Sheldon J. Plankton is the main antagonist of the SpongeBob series. He runs the 1.5 star- according to Kelp reviews- (like Yelp, get it?) Chum Bucket restaurant across the street from the Krusty Krab. Plankton is pretty much an incel, as he is a highly jealous and bitter little man whose wife is a computer named Karen. Plankton tries unsuccessfully to steal the Krabby Patty formula from Mr. Krabs. His schemes sometimes involve weapons and heavy artillery. Had SpongeBob been a show about child sea creatures, not adults, Plankton may have been portrayed as a school-shooter type.

Sandy- Sandy Cheeks is a squirrel who lives in an underwater dome, as she is the only character in the SpongeBob universe that cannot breathe underwater. Some people have since speculated that Sandy- who migrated to Bikini Bottom from Texas- built the dome in order to keep illegal fishigrants from entering. Sandy is one of SpongeBob and Patrick’s closest friends. She is a practitioner of Karate and a renowned scientist. 

There are many, many other characters, far too many to write about in this post. The list stretches from Old Man Jenkins, to the Flying Dutchman, to Fred “My Leg!” (real ones know about Fred), to Nosferatu (yes, the real, unanimated Nosferatu) 

The scenes and episodes that have stuck with me and inspired me to this day!

No other animation covered the absurd quite like SpongeBob. I remember my parents banning the show from our house for a few years when I was growing up because they didn’t want my brain filling up with the nonsense that the show was putting out. But I think they missed the point. SpongeBob, at its core, is about creativity. It is about freedom of expression. It is about imagination.

Obviously, watching SpongeBob did not make me more intelligent. But it did allow my mind to wander, it allowed me to play with seemingly stupid concepts, and turn them into much more. My writing process today takes after SpongeBob in that I start with a ridiculous concept and work backwards to reverse engineer it into something A) funny, and B) offering insight into the human condition. Most of all, SpongeBob emphasized the importance of play. Writing my Substack offers me the chance to take a break from work in order to play, unwind, and relax.

Okay, now for some scenes and episodes that have been emblazoned on my hippocampus ever since I had the pleasure of viewing them for the first time:

“Nasty Patty”

In this episode Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob try to play a prank on a man who they believe is acting as a health inspector in order to get free food, but who actually turns out to be a real health inspector. The prank involved serving this guy a gross version of a Krabby Patty that they filled with toenail clippings and pubes (not certain about this detail) and other gross things. Before the inspector even has a chance to try this devious creation, he chokes on a fly, slips, and knocks himself out on the floor. Spongebob and Mr. Krabs believe they killed this poor soul, and so they scoop up his lifeless ragdoll of a body and drive him out into the wilderness at night time in order to bury him. The inspector regains consciousness, startling SpongeBob, who whacks him over the head with a shovel, brutally KO’ing him again. After ensuring his premature death due to CTE and repeated concussive blows, they bring his body back to the Krusty Krab where they hide him in the freezer while the cops come to investigate. The episode deals with extremely dark themes and they actually use the term “murder” repeatedly which is pretty chill for a children’s show. Not sure what I morally gained from viewing this one, but it did lay out to me in extreme detail how to get away with the kidnapping and cold storage of a potential nuisance in my place of work. You hear that, mr. tax collector? Stay away, stay far away.

“Band Geeks”

This is probably the most legendary episode of them all. SpongeBob and the gang are called upon by Squidward to assemble a band to perform at the Bubble Bowl, the underwater version of the Super Bowl, after Squidward’s rival Squilliam Fancyson is unable to perform and calls upon Squidward to take his place. This is an attempt at sabotage by Squilliam, as he assumes that Squidward would be unable to perform under the bright lights, ultimately crumpling under the pressure. Squidward tries to teach the townsfolk how to play a variety of musical instruments, but his efforts prove fruitless. Patrick raises his hand at one point to ask the most iconic line in all of SpongeBob: “Is mayonnaise and instrument?”. Things are looking dire. The band sounds like Nickelback playing funeral dirges in a tin of sardines. Squidward storms off in frustration. Just as all hope is lost, SpongeBob tries to encourage the band to try harder by asking them to recall all of the times that Squidward had stuck up for them in the past. This, hilariously, is met with silence from the crowd, as nobody can think of any examples. Regardless, they must have done some practicing, because when they get to the Bubble Bowl, they belt out a pitch-perfect rendition of the rock power ballad “Sweet Victory” by David Glen Eisley. Squilliam faints when he hears the crowd roar in appreciation for the performance. This is the one time in the series when Squidward is able to let his squid-nuts hang right in Squilliam’s stupid face. This is a story about hope. About resilience. About never giving up. Think Whiplash meets The Blind Side and then the guy in the movie projector operating room accidentally splices in some camcorder footage of Creed performing at the 2001 Cowboys Thanksgiving game halftime show.

“Mid-Life Crustacean”

This one was odd. I think it has since been removed from television and can only be found on physical DVD’s of the early season of the show. This episode centers around SpongeBob and Patrick giving Mr. Krabs a tour of the nightlife in Bikini Bottom, so long as he promises to be a chill dude that knows the “secret cool guy handshake”. Well, the nightlife that Sponge and Pat have in mind is not what Mr. Krabs was picturing. At every subsequent stop on their journey, they ask Mr. Krabs if he is “feeling it now?”. On the surface, they seem to just be asking him if he is enjoying the activities, but the specific wording, and the weird journey they embark on- with its fast-cut context switching and all-around absurdity- makes me wonder if the thing he is meant to be “feeling” is some sort of psychedelic drug. They go to a laundromat, visit the highway, play dungeons & dragons in “Old England” (“Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?”), re-pave a roof, go to the dentist’s office, and then end up at an arcade. By this point Mr. Krabs is wondering why he went out with these nerds in the first place. Nothing they did involved downing some brews or trying to pick up chicks. Well, that was until the main event of the evening was revealed: the “panty raid”. Yup, this was actually in a kid’s show. Three grown ass fish went into a random woman’s home in order to steal her underpants. And then for the real kicker, that woman turns out to be Mr. Krab’s mom, Betsy Krabs! SpongeBob had been planning to raid his boss’s mom’s underwear drawer…with his boss, aka her son. Now, based on my earlier speculation, let’s just say that Mr. Krabs was on a healthy dose of Ayahuasca when this happened. Now, just imagine how terrified Mr. Krabs would have been during this epic reveal. You talk about a bad trip. It doesn’t get much worse than going out for a night on the town with your mentally challenged subordinates, having them peer pressure you into taking psychoactive drugs, and then being caught by your aging mother in an attempt to steal her undergarments during the peak of your trip. Okay, so once again I am not sure what lesson I took from watching this one. Maybe that nothing good happens after midnight? Yea, we’ll go with that.